Catch Up

with pup

By golly, has this much time gone by already!!? Holy smokes! I did not see this coming. So much has happened since my last post! First of all, weight stabilized (yay), on a new anti-anxiety cocktail which has done me good morally, but got me sacked from my new security gig because I refused to threaten employees, and also thanks to the lack of anxiety- my panic button is completely broken and I have no sense of responsibility. Fun. *sarcasm*. I’m still feeling really caught in the middle, do I continue to climb corporate, or do I continue to work in PSP? Someone needs to do the work and I’m not saying it should be me all the time, but it just seems like an awful waste for others to miss out on all the info people like myself have to offer. I want to do good. I want to do what others could not, and beat the stats, and make a difference. I just have to.

But low and behold, who should cross my path, but my new beau, the Vet. A new man entered my life (never saw this coming) he’s safe, doesn’t ask any questions, has been through a war himself, loves to cook, eats well (and feeds me well), great conversationalist, supports me in all my decisions, and guess what?-oh yeah, and he’s handsome. My personal sheepdog to keep all the scary things at night away, and now I can sleep in the dark. How awesome is that? I am though, deeply unhappy as I still feel like I don’t have a name, I don’t have a home, I have no job, and I have no money. I feel so empty and broken just like walking off the edge of the earth. It’s a weird feeling because the Hatsh that is the civilian just wants to curl up in a ball and be depressed. The Hatsh that’s the professional wants to take the world by storm and use all her superpowers for good. I constantly feel like two people torn into two. And the civi me just hates why the superhero me is so good at what she does, and why she knows all the things she does. Is it possible to want a normal job with normal problems so, so much and yet want the most miserable, adrenaline soaking, dangerous work just as bad? I need a therapist.