Have a Little Faith



This month has been very interesting, very interesting indeed. The events have spiraled and some new developments were made. To start, I ran into an arch nemesis of mine while on a walk about town. Oh golly, that was sure unplanned for. Honestly, we were both taken back, surprised, and a little unsure of “do I run, or do I do walk away?”. Our relationship has been a toss up from the past. Originally this individual was tracking me and making my life miserable, until one day they began yelling at me while I was at my local grocer, grabbed me by my arm, and told me they were taking me to their employer (my super arch nemesis who started all this over a decade ago and is responsible for my ever being in PSP), and something just came over me so I clocked them one, took ’em right out cold, in the grocers. Both of us were not expecting that. The result was for a couple years after, they avoided me like the plague. Then one day we ran into each other, after I had been practicing bringing peace into my life and it was as though they could smell I was no longer a “fight or flight” kind of person. I had become a very gentle person, and so they became the aggressor again. Then at our next fateful meeting, I had reinforcements. It’s been a few years since we’ve seen each other. I have seen them around before at airports and trade centres, but they didn’t appear to notice me. So when we almost walked quite literally into each other on the corner of the street when I was visiting a bank and they were crossing the street, it was as though we were both in the area to avoid other people and were very disconcerned about the other until the pieces of the puzzle abruptly clicked. I’ve seen them twice since. They even had the gall to go into a government service office and demand information about me. Apparently they have been claiming to be a long lost relative and it is imperative that they get in touch with me. Oh sheesh. The government had both of us in, including a couple others for an interrogation. It was rather pleasant. At the time, we did not know we would all be called in, and no we were not called in at the same time. It was just myself, a collective group of police officers and a couple investigative special officers. They were very nice, polite, and cooperative. They just wanted the truth. I think that’s fair. I was surprised at their comments though. Apparently they had been looking for me for quite some time, have no address for me, have surveillance photos dating back over a decade, and couldn’t even find my place of employment. Go me.* I was honest with them, and up front told them where I was staying, what was going on and so forth. They chuckled and said they didn’t realize how close I was to them, they had been searching miles out the other direction. They were excellent officers to say the least. To my surprise they even encouraged me to attend their upcoming career fair and get on with their own PSP team. It’s good to know I’m welcome somewhere :)

This run-in, though unfortunate, has prompted other actions. I will be moving again. Perhaps back to the city, different locale. Last week I was recruited by a different security company. They are more low key and made me an offer to do more mainstream work. This could be very promising. On another note, I received an interview with a very low key, start up IT company. This is definitely different, but equally as promising. No doubt I will need something a little less stressful. All this stress has given way to a 25lb weight loss over the last month, extreme fatigue, running mind, and sleep problems. All I want to do is nap all the time, but I can never quite get to sleep, or stay asleep, even at night. I have been in to see the local doctor, who’s very eager to solve these problems. He’s sent me to get blood work, ECG, Chest X-Rays, and the other day gave me a full physical, and was a little uneasy to see some of the scars I have, my reaction/response to muscle manipulation, how many broken bones and fractures I’ve had in addition to a heart that is beating out of control right now, even while sitting still. Shep waits for me in the main office when I go, and he’s told Shep he needs to bring me back every 3-4 days until they figure it out and can stabilize my condition. We tried anxiety meds, but I had a reaction and began hallucinating and other things happened. Not great. So now it’s mostly meditation, yoga, and a lot of reading and writing to keep me cognitively stimulated and relieve stress. Works. Okay. I’m reading Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad, and next I will read Last of the Mohicans. I have read them many years ago, but I enjoy them so much.

I guess this post is a medley really. I’m not completely focused on one thing, and honestly, don’t quite have the willpower or attention span to be focused. Trying to remain optimistic and interested in life still as opposed to napping it all away. In other news, I saw Skyfall for the first time yesterday with Shep. It was interesting to say the least, how we paused the movie, commented, and couldn’t shutup about all the character and action sequences based on our own experience. The movie was riddled with “Haha, I hate it when that happens” to “What are they doing? He would never do that! Not in a million years!” and so forth. But that, really, is a post worthy of it’s own just for commentary sake.

Goodnight and goodluck.


Games People Play (Pt 2)



  1. Another common game is, Stupid. Stupid is a two player game. The key Stupid player is someone who rather than, “I laugh at my own mistakes, so I can improve” will respond with, “I laugh at my own mistakes, that’s the way I am, so do me something”. The game relish’s on playing “poor” and “needy” so ultimately someone else will end up completing the key Stupid player’s work load. The running theme of course, “I’m too stupid to figure it out, here you do it.” Goal: to shift responsibility. Underlying theme: “See, I’m honest because I admit I’m stupid. You can’t blame me because I don’t know any better. But because I never knew better, you still have to like me.” The secondary player to this game is usually someone who has put trust in the Stupid player to complete a task and comes upon disappointing results. The game is successfully ended when the secondary player, should they have the designation, is able to hold the Stupid player accountable and attain them training or a new job description as natural consequences.

  1. Disability is a game that can parallel or ensue with Stupid. The only difference between Disability and Stupid is that the theme, “What else do you expect from someone like me? It’s your fault you trusted me to do this.”  The key player in Disability will often blame their inability to complete a task on stress, grief, lack of education, experience, emotional turmoil, depression, past history of a “hard-knock” life, or even acknowledgement of their toxic behaviour. The point of the game: not to be blamed for your actions/ to shift responsibility- despite being caught. Because Disability does not require an enabler to be regularly played, it is a one player game.

  1. Lets Pull a Fast One on Jane is a game commonly played by coworkers and colleagues. This is a three player game.

Player 1: Instigator

Player 2: Follower

Player 3: Unsuspecting

It begins with the Instigator having a project or task to complete. The Instigator will usually recruit the Follower unless they have a previous relationship. The Follower simply tags along for the first part of the game as a non-threatening shadow figure behind the play boundaries. Next the Instigator recruits the Unsuspecting and while acting humble and modest, whether by blaming workload, talents or stress, backs out of the project to have the Unsuspecting take over the project and complete the bulk of the work. At the last moment the Instigator will tag in the Follower and the two will bully the Unsuspecting out of the game. Usually this is done by accusing the Unsuspecting of poor, amoral, unrequited, wrong doings or work. It is not uncommon that the Instigator and/or Follower will make a public display of this to shame the Unsuspecting out of the picture. Then the Follower completes the remainder of the task and the Instigator and Follower submit their work together receiving praise and recognition. Premise: ego stroking, one-up-manship, undermining.

Instigator: “I’m working on this project but I’m not sure if I can get it all done.”

Follower: “I’d love to help you but I’m busy too. Maybe ask the Unsuspecting.”

Instigator: “Hey Unsuspecting, you are very talented in this area (mass flattery) could you help me with this? I don’t understand this, I can’t do that…”

Unsuspecting: “I’m flattered you asked, yes.”

Instigator: “Whoa, whoa- you did the job wrong! What were you thinking! I hope they will accept this! You’re supposed to know what you are doing! You better leave or get caught.”

Follower: “I can help you now.”

“Instigator: “I can’t do all this. Please complete the rest and I will give you all the credit?”

Follower: “Okay.”

Instigator and Follower: “This is the project we worked on, isn’t it perfect.”

  1. Butcher is a game where an individual may approach another for advice or help. This is a common colleague/coworker game used in corporate and social services environments. The expected “problem solver” is actually the Butcher. They butcher all the facts and dissect and analyze too such a point that the main objective or even truth becomes lost in all the dismembered facts. It is a game to hide either the means or the ends. The hidden facts are usually something of a indecent matter that affects the butcher directly. It can be used to protect their reputation, someone else, or to attain / keep an object or transaction. Ultimately the butcher does this for themselves.

  1. Flamingo is played as a distraction game. It is a one to two player game. Sometimes the game is supplemented by a second player who reinforces the Flamingo’s action plan. This second player is usually submissive and passive to the Flamingo but can be outright aggressive and harsh with others. The leader of this game is a typical “ringleader” where they appear smart but unsuspecting, flamboyant but humble, they essentially draw attention to themselves but pretend there was no intention. It follows this mentality, “You can blame me for attracting attention. I’m graceful, but I was born pink.” They use this as a distraction method so in the confusion you will release other information about yourself and your intentions, and when necessary your organizations/teams intentions. This game can be commonly used with Butcher and Lets You and I Play Office.

A New kind of New Years


Last night was interesting. I met with my escort, we’ll call him Shep, since he guards me better than the last German Shepherd I had. And we headed over to the neighbours, and met with a small gathering of people for New Years. It was nice, quiet, and simple. There was a bonfire, beer, conversation, and just plain old fashioned enjoyment. I miss that in a lot of ways. I was sitting in a patio chair, staring at the bonfire, leg slung over one arm of the chair, beer in hand, and Shep came and sat next to me. “What are you thinking?” He asks. “Why aren’t you with your friends?” I asked, “Why are you working on a night like tonight?” He smiles and says, “I’ve been bucking for a night off for a month. And technically your file doesn’t exist, so it’s like a holiday. A very unusual holiday.” He continues to smile and stare at me, I can tell he’s thinking something, something about my character. “How did you end up here? I mean, why don’t you go do something else?” He looks inquisitively. I didn’t know what to say really. You always know the answer. I mean, it’s pretty real, and it’s pretty basic. But, when you have to say it out loud… I don’t know, something is different. He interrupts my hesitancy, “You’re classy. You’re not like the other women who get into these situations. What happened?” I took a swig of beer, and really within all of a millisecond my whole life hit me like a brick. Everything from my first step out of danger, first night of safety, first walk as Jane Woods, to my training, service, hostage, abduction, negotiation, trading money, taking kick backs, making friends, quietly falling in love with my partner and never telling him, to the scary secrets I kept, all came flooding back to me like some dark, oily water leaving a filthy uncomfortable residue on my memory and on my skin. 

I looked up at Shep. He is a well groomed man, with a crew cut and goatee. When he’s laid back, he looks like any other nice guy, he has very kind eyes, and when he gets serious, you can see the dark side come out- his jaw pronounced, eyed deepen, and his entire face hardens. I thought to myself, you look like a butcher maybe, not some guy with a file. I tried my best to smile at him, “I guess I got so concerned with survival, the rest of me forgot how to age.” He knew what I was talking about. In our training we learned how people age. Some people age tough when they go through tough circumstances. Other people when exposed to severe trauma, the body slows down the production of hormones and continues to cleanse itself with fight or flight chemicals, making it appear you are younger than what you really are, or rather, just more innocent. Shep and I continued to talk quietly, and slowly. I learned more about him, and why he was really hanging around, and spending so much time in the area. I am glad to be surrounded with good people. At one point one of the neighbours had a row with his wife, and they screamed and yelled, and she stormed out. The made up around 10:30pm and came back to the gathering with lovey dovey faces and new found appreciation for one another. Nothing else really happened.

But I did decided that this year I would do more self work, and stop doing some of the tougher work. I think I am already exiting the field work stage. However, I am going to make more of an effort. I want to do the work I do, but I can see where it’s beginning to take a toll on my health. We’ll see. But I think this year should be classy, less intense, and be a new chapter in this story. That, would be nice.